


Days With You (on repeat)

by unfortunate17



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-31
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-07 02:52:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/743348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unfortunate17/pseuds/unfortunate17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SUMMARY: in which Liam and Zayn meet on a bridge (when in reality, they've met long before).<br/>..................................................</p><p>"Zayn," Liam begins and he nearly shrinks back as Zayn's heavy gaze falls on him. (He doesn't think the air around Zayn will ever stop choking him). "What -," he tries again, "did we meet - I mean before?" </p><p>Zayn bites his lips and clenches his hands, "What do you think?"</p><p>Liam focuses his attention on his shaking knees, "No - I don't think so at least. But, you know me don't you? And I - I think I know you." </p><p>Zayn lets out a breath and he hunches forward as if guarding his organs, keeping them from falling out. "I don't know, Liam."<br/>....................................</p>
            </blockquote>





	Days With You (on repeat)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this specifically for Valentine's Day - and it was put up a while ago on my tumblr. Which is why it's so late on here and why it's a repost. I apologize.

**..........................................................**

Sometimes Liam smells blood and tastes asphalt at the most random times. He can be eating, he can be sleeping, he can be doing _anything_ \- but the stench of gore and the fear of death never seems to leave his life. Thankfully, he's got his family - one that always promises to take care of him and help him and love him and Liam is just infinitely grateful.

 But other times, Liam smells sharp cologne, tastes salty skin, and feels thick strands of lightly gelled hair between his fingers. And his heart has name at the tip of its ventricles, but Liam just can't seem to grasp it.

 And when he mentions it to his mother, she smiles and tells him that it's nothing but a leftover dream - a long lost figment of his imagination.

(But Liam hasn't failed to see the tears that ring her eyes).

**..........................................................**

Liam first finds him on Valentines Day, standing at the bridge across the small lake in the forestation behind his house, leaning against the edge and nearly tipping forward.

"Excuse me," Liam's voice is louder than he means it to be and he flinches at the fear in it. The boy turns sharply at his voice and Liam sees a sense of recognition in his eyes that he doesn't quite understand because he's sure that he's never seen the boy before (because with those eyes and cheekbones, he's sure he would have remembered him).

"Yeah," his voice is hoarse and Liam can see tear tracks on his tanned cheeks. He shifts uncomfortably.

And Liam shakes his head, suddenly shy, (and realizing that this might have been a bad time), "Nothing. I just - you were really close to the edge and -"

Something flares in his eyes and he smiles lightly, "No problem," he hesitates, "I'm Zayn." And Liam's never heard a voice so broken and he takes an involuntary step back from Zayn in an effort to escape the rawness in the air, threatening to choke him.

Zayn looks at him hard and reaches out a hand awkwardly, "Hey, what's wrong? Come on - 'm not gonna kill you or anything."

Liam transfers his weight between his feet before shyly taking his hand, "'m Liam," he mutters quietly.

Zayn's smile nearly splits his face (and nobody should be that happy just to meet him, Liam thinks blindly), "Liam. I like it. Nice you meet you." he sounds unbelievably nervous.

Liam smiles faintly, "Nice to meet you too, Zayn."

There's a moment of comfortable silence and Liam slips forward to lean against the bridge as well, shoulders brushing Zayn's. And he can suddenly understand why Zayn had been so close to the edge. It's somehow peaceful up here with the water rushing below him, blocking out the strong thrumming in his heart. (Zayn's shoulders burn his own).

He flicks a glance to find Zayn's gaze trailed on him and Liam feels his face go hot as Zayn's mouth curves upward at the sight.

"Hey," he says quietly, shifting closer to Liam, "was just wondering - that well - whether I could take you out, yeah?"

And Liam looks away in shock because never in his life does he get offers like that from boys that look like as effortless as Zayn does in his clean swept clothes and deliberately messy hair. He frowns then, suspecting foul play, "What?" (Liam's never been able to shake the way he'd been stood up that one time when he was sixteen. It's why he doesn't _do_ dates).

Zayn's grips the edge of the bridge to stop the shaking in his hands, "Yeah - just. Liam. I like you - I just. Please, ok?" And he sounds like he's begging, Liam notes curiously.

Liam's frown deepens, brows furrowing, "But you don't even know me. I don't know _you_."

Zayn shakes his head furiously, "But I will. We'll get to know each other. And you look like the type of guy I'd like anyways."

Liam takes a step back and he sees Zayn's eyes flash in pain. He hesitates, once again noticing the tried tear tracks on those sharp cheekbones. "You ok, mate?"

Zayn bites his lips, "Yeah. I'm fine, yeah. Just - "

"I know," Liam interrupts, looking frantically to either side of the his thin, lightly shaking frame but his eyes seem to be drawn in by the sheer sadness that Zayn's being emanates. He struggles with himself for a moment - this beautiful boy wants to, for some mad reason, take him out from the minute he'd seen him. And Liam knows that he's no showstopper, but nobody's ever looked at Liam the way Zayn seems to be doing so. And after all (judging from the university hoody), Zayn seems to be nothing more than a simple student, so it wasn't like Liam had to fear for his life or anything.

He kicks his foot into the gravel and throws caution to the wind, "Ok," he says quietly and Zayn answers him with a devastating smile that knocks the air right from Liam's chest.

"Ok," Zayn  repeats, smiling and Liam looks up at the hazel eyes nearly disappearing into a black lash line and he feels a sense of familiarity so strong that it nearly knocks him from the bridge.

He blinks, "Do I - do I know you?"

Something flares in Zayn's eyes - something deep and hidden and Liam thinks that this must be what it looks like when a person lights from the inside out. He pauses, "Do you _think_ you know me?"

Liam flushes, feeling quite small under Zayn's heavy gaze, "No sorry. Nevermind."

"No - that's not what I-" Zayn says quickly.

 But Liam is embarrassed beyond belief and his face gets hotter, "Just forget I said anything. I'm not a stalker or anything. I swear."

Zayn looks like he wants to push at the subject but he falls into himself suddenly, pulling back, "No. I know you're not a stalker." and his voice is softer now, reminiscent. (And Liam can't help but feel that pang of familiarity again but at the same time, he's sure he's never seen Zayn before in his life).

There's a moment of silence and Liam is about to make a break for his house because there's no way in hell that Zayn actually _still_ wants to take him out, when Zayn speaks.

"So - anywhere in particular you want to go?"

Liam's eyes widen. " _Now?_ "

And Zayn looks nervous, "Yeah, I mean. You _did_ say yes right?"

Liam kicks the gravel again, ducking his head in an effort to hold in his blush, "I did," he mutters and Zayn's face splits into a smile (and Liam can't help but attach the word _relieved_ to what he sees when he looks at Zayn's expression).

Zayn reaches out to take his hand and Liam hopes it isn't sweaty, "Come on then, Li."

And the burst of familiarity is so strong that Liam nearly says something right then and there.

(Nearly).

**..........................................................**

Liam is actually thinking that Zayn is some sort of mind-reader or some sort of fantasy character come to life because Liam doesn't think he's ever been so infatuated with one person in his life (and he'd only met the boy _today_ , for god's sake).  

Zayn's eyes are bright and he listens to every word Liam says no matter how pointless it sounds to himself and he laughs in the all the right places. His hands are calloused and cigarette burned and so very warm and his face splits into this smile every time Liam so much as looks at him (and Liam doesn't think he's going to make it home without having a stroke in the middle of the streets if he keeps that up).

Zayn tugs on the hand he's got captive, "Come on," he quickens his pace until they're standing in front of an old ice-cream parlor that Liam has walked passed many times but never actually gone into.

"I’ve never been here before," Liam says quietly.

Zayn turns to glance at him fleetingly, "I know." Liam opens his mouth in confusion but Zayn cuts him off, "I mean I figured. I didn't really know, yeah." he pauses, running his free hand through his hair, "I'm. God. I'm just nervous Liam. Sorry." he gives Liam a hopelessly wide-eyed look and something swoops in Liam's stomach.

"It's fine," he mutters, face heating and Zayn gives him a relieved look before pulling him into the parlor and marching him to the counter that hasn't got a line (though Liam probably attributes that to the freezing cold outside - London never did have good weather).  They're crazy to be having ice cream now - but looking at the fresh tattoos that line Zayn's arms, Liam's got a feeling this isn't all that crazy anyway.

The old Asian man behind the counter smiles warmly at the two of them, taking in their intertwined fingers. "What can I get you lads?"

Zayn's eyes don't even skid over the menu and Liam realizes with a start that he's a regular here. Zayn releases his hand (and Liam feels the cool breeze push through his fingers and he clenches them in a tight fist), shoving his hands into his pockets, "I’ll have a scoop of mint chocolate chip," he glances briefly at Liam and gives him a crooked smile, "and he wants a scoop of red velvet cake."

Liam snaps his mouth shut - he'd just been about to tell Zayn what he wanted.

It's when they're back outside with Liam's hand in Zayn's again, when he chooses to bring it up, "How did you know?"

Zayn swallows a mouthful and licks his lips, "Hmm?"

Liam's eyes trace the movement of his tongue on the cream, "About the red velvet cake?"

Zayn looks up at him with an unreadable expression, "Lucky guess?"

Liam's mouth feels dry and he doesn't really know what to say so he takes a taste at the ice-cream in an effort to escape the strange situation he seems to have found himself in.

(And he tries to ignore the way Zayn's eyes seem to drink in his every movement).

**..........................................................**

They walk back to the park and Liam can't help but feel that this is the most unconventional, spontaneous date he's ever been out on. But it's arguably (definitely) one of the best.

Zayn is... _Zayn_. And Liam sure as hell hopes that he's sticking around because even after one afternoon, he can see himself curled up with him next to a roaring fire or bringing him home to meet his mum.  But, Zayn is quiet too. A type of quiet that Liam didn't know he was attracted to, but he thinks Zayn might be the exception to any sort of ideal he'd held before. (Liam's type is slowly changing to just one requirement).

Zayn leads them back the bridge but instead of leaning up against it, he pulls Liam to a bench at the far side. He takes a seat, pats the bench space next to him and Liam slides down next to him shyly, fingers sticky and cold from the ice-cream.

They sit in silence for a moment before Zayn laughs nervously, "I wish I had my sketchbook."

Liam glances at him from the corner of his eyes, "You draw?"

Zayn nods, eyes misting (and Liam can see that terrible sorrow in his eyes and he doesn't know whether or not he's allowed to ask).

"What do you like to draw?" he asks instead, quietly, almost desperate to keep Zayn from swallowing himself into the melancholy that seems to cloud around with him everywhere.

"People," Zayn says vaugly, eyes glued to the tops of the trees. The stream rushes behind them in heavy gulps and Liam just wants to make it all _stop_. Because there's something about Zayn that's _so_ familiar - like something from a leftover dream - a long lost figment of his imagination.

"Zayn," Liam begins and he nearly shrinks back as Zayn's heavy gaze falls on him. (He doesn't think the air around Zayn will ever stop choking him). "What -," he tries again, "did we meet - I mean before?"

Zayn bites his lips and clenches his hands, "What do you think?"

Liam focuses his attention on his shaking knees, "No - I don't think so at least. But, you know me don't you? And I - I think I know you."

Zayn lets out a breath and he hunches forward as if guarding his organs, keeping them from falling out. "I don't know, Liam."

Liam makes a frustrated sound, "Are you always so confusing?"

Zayn keeps his gaze leveled on the gravel, "Shouldn't you know?"

"Then we do know each other."

There's a long moment of silence and then Zayn is shaking his head, "No. We don't." Liam opens his mouth to - protest? Rebuff? He doesn't know, but Zayn cuts him off again, "You don't know me at least."

Liam shrinks back in on himself because Zayn sounds angry and hurt and Liam doesn't understand what he's done because it sounds like Zayn's blaming him for something. "I'm sorry," he mutters quietly. A pause. Then, "That doesn't make any sense."

Zayn rubs his knees, palms shaking, "Not a lot things _do_ make sense."

And Liam doesn't know what to make of _this,_ but Zayn is so small and quiet with messy hair and wide eyes and Liam wants to throw his arms around him. But more than anything, Zayn looks so _sad._ "Are you alright," he asks quietly.

"Yeah," Zayn's voice cracks as he answers too quickly, and he reaches up a hand to swipe at his eyes, jolting Liam because he gets the feeling, that despite Zayn's outward friendliness, lazy smiles and swirling tattoos, that he's a relatively guarded person. (Which makes Liam wonder what exactly he's doing here).

Liam stands awkwardly and Zayn looks up at him in despair, "I'm fucking this up aren't I?"

But Liam shakes his head - Zayn couldn't 'fuck' this up if he wanted to, "No. Not at all. You just seem - upset."

Zayn huffs and stands up as well, crowding closer into Liam's warmth "I'm sorry."

"You've nothing to be sorry for," Liam bites his lips, "What happened Zayn?"

And Zayn looks torn for a moment, like he doesn't know what to tell Liam and what not to tell him. Finally, "Two years ago, I drove my car into a traffic pole because I wasn't watching where I was going. And it was so _stupid,_ Liam.I was distracted - and -" Zayn breaks off, running a hand through his hair in near hysteria. "Shit."

Liam looks at him critically, taking in the frozen tears and worn down face. "There was someone else in the car with you wasn't there?" he whispers.

And Zayn looks tortured, "Yeah."

Liam hesitates, not want to ask, but his curiosity gets the best of him, "Did they - I mean, they're-"

Zayn laughs bitterly, loudly, harshly, and the sound grates on Liam's ears, making him flinch, "You could say that."

Zayn has torn veins and shredded capillaries under his beautiful skin and Liam can see every single one no matter how hard he tires not to look.

So he looks down at his scuffed sneakers, "I'm sorry." (And he's said that an awful lot today, hasn't he?)

But Zayn is shaking his head, "No, _I'm_ sorry. It was a stupid argument. I can't even remember what it was _about_."

And taking in Zayn's shattered expression coupled with his stooped shoulders, Liam doesn't think he's ever stopped shouldering the guilt and blame and hurt.

Zayn steps forward and wraps him in a sudden embrace - and his body is warm and firm beneath Liam's fingers and Liam doesn't know whether he wants to melt into him or pull him away and hide him from the rest of the world.

Zayns voice is quiet as he mumbles, eyes wet, "Let's get you home, yeah?"

And Liam _would_ ask, he'd ask how Zayn could possibly know where he lived - but he's getting the feeling that Zayn knows something that he's not willing to let him in on yet.

**..........................................................**

When they reach the house, Liam's mum is out raking the last of the fall leaves and she looks up when the gate squeaks (Liam's been meaning to oil it for months, but it's as if time has just _stopped_ lately).

Karen smiles at them, "Hello Zayn."

And Liam sputters, stepping away from the boy at his side and freeing his hands. He whirls to face him, fixing Zayn with a hard look, "How does she know you?"

Zayn shrugs, "We've seen each other around."

But Liam steps forward and traps Zayn with strong hands on his shoulders, "Stop playing around," he says, frustrated, "Obviously something is going on. And I just want to know _what_."

Liam hears Karen clear her throat and he steps away from Zayn, flushing. But Karen gives him a lopsided smile, "Well. I guess I’ll leave you boys to it," she nods at Zayn. "It's nice to see you again Zayn."

And Zayn forces a smile back lightly, "You too, Mrs. Payne."

Karen sighs, "It's been quiet around here without you. You should come around more often."

Zayn shoots Liam an indistinguishable look, "Hopefully."

Liam makes a sound of disbelief but Karen only smiles, "Bye, Zayn. We'll talk soon alright."

Zayn nods, "Alright. See you soon."

And Karen has just barely closed the door behind her when Liam turns on Zayn again, "What in _hell_ is going on."

Zayn looks at the ground then, mouth pursed tightly, refusing to answer.

Liam shakes his shoulders, "Zayn? _Zayn._ You've got some explaining to do."

Zayn looks up from under his lashes and Liam finds himself taking a step backwards in frightened shock - because the in agony Zayn's eyes is overpowering and unbearable. It's awful and terrible and Liam wants to curl on the floor from just looking at his eyes like that.

Zayn makes a soft sound when Liam takes a step back and reaches out an arm to pull him close - _god, so close_ \- so that their foreheads are brushing.

Liam feels his face go hot when he feels Zayn's hands pressing into his back.

"Liam," Zayn mutters quietly. He sighs, defeated, " _I miss you so much_." Liam opens his mouth to speak but Zayn shushes him, "Just let me talk, yeah? Just. Just - listen ok, Li."

Liam nods quietly, curious.

Zayn stays silent for a long moment after, breathing in and out deeply, hair tickling Liam's shoulder where he leans forward to rest his head. Liam's just about to prompt him again when he feels the tears trickle down his arm.

"Zay-"

"No," Zayn squeezes him tighter, arms around his hips, "It's not like you'll remember anyway." his voice is bitter, self-loathing, "What's the point?"

Liam tries to free himself from Zayn's grasp in order to look at his face, but Zayn holds him tightly in place - warm arms and wet cheeks.

"I don't understand."

Zayn muffles his laughter in Liam's collarbone, "Why the hell would you? It doesn't make any sense."

And Liam feels something sinking into place somewhere deep inside him.

Zayn continues, "It's my fault really." (Liam's heart aches), "if I'd just been paying attention, it'd be _so different_ now."

And it's locking into place now - slotting neatly with no gaps or overlaps.

"You mean -" Liam whispers quietly.

"Yeah," Zayn crushes himself into Liam and Liam's having trouble breathing (but he's got a feeling that Zayn's arms aren't the only thing choking him).

"And you're -"

"Yeah," Zayn says again softly, "you just don't remember - _ever._ "

Liam swallows heavily, then forces a smile, "I knew it. There was _something_ about you."

"Familiar you mean?"

Liam nods, then pulls back, and this time, Zayn lets him go. And he looks at Zayn's shattered core and jagged outsides and he can't feel sorry for himself.  Not when Zayn looks like the axis of his world's been tilted ripped from under his feet and forced to rotate in the opposite direction.

And something hits him, "Zayn - how _long_? I mean, god -"

"Two years," Zayn avoids his eyes and something pools in Liam's stomach, "and four before that."

"But _why?_ "

Zayn stares resolutely at his shoes, "I'm sort of in love with you. And it's hard to forget when I see you everyday."

Liam runs a hand through his hair, tears burning the corners of his eyes. "This happens _everyday_?"

Zayn shrugs lightly as if his words weigh nothing, "Nah. This is a good day. I think sometimes I scare you and you don't talk to me." he pauses, "Most of the time you just ask me to get away from the edge of the bridge, " he shrugs, mouth turning up in a sad smile, "Which, I’ve got to admit, feels pretty good."

Liam looks at him in disbelief, "But what if I'm like this forever? Then what, Zayn?"

Zayn takes his hand, "I don't know. I'd rather think that you'll get better someday."

The admission hangs in the air for a long moment as Liam watches the light dusting of frost on his lawn.

"Zayn?"

"Yeah?" Zayn's threading his fingers between his own.

"Today's not Valentine's Day is it?"

Zayn chuckles softly, "No. You just think it is." he pauses, "You _always_ think it is."  
Liam struggles to hold in the tears, "What day is it then? How old am I? _Zayn_."

And Zayn bites his lips, "It's october 7th 2017 and you're twenty one, Liam." Zayn kicks the ground viciously, "I'm so _fucking_ sorry, Li."

Liam feels a sob tear out of his throat, "But I -"

Zayn presses Liam's shaking hand to his mouth, "You're not nineteen anymore."

Liam's eyes are wild, "What if I don't sleep. What then?"

Zayn shakes his head, sadly - like they'd already had this conversation (and Liam has no idea of know if they have). "Transient Global Amnesia."

"What does that mean?"

"It's when somebody's brain goes into shock - you _can't_ make new memories."

Liam swallows heavily, but the knot in his throat refuses to go down with it. "So that's it then. I'm always going to be like this?"

Zayn sighs and brushes another kiss on Liam's knuckles, "They say that it'll stop one day."

" _One day_?"

"They don't know for how long." Zayn swallows, "I just can't like - push anything on you. You've got to get better on your own time."

Liam feels the tears in his eyes drip down his cheeks and Zayn's fingers are right there to brush them away (and Liam wonders what it must have been like before, with Zayn by his side when he woke up in the morning, Zayn's hands in the shower - his heart aches), "What if I never get better?" and Liam doesn't mean for his voice to crack that way - because he's not the permanently unhappy one between the two of them.

Zayn presses his palms on either side of his face, "You will, Li. You _will._ Everybody does. It just - it takes _time_."

Liam pulls away sharply because his head is spinning and Zayn's hands are warm and cigarette burned and Liam's struggling to comprehend what parts of his body they might have traced. "But what then? What happens when I do get better?"

"Then everything's alright again you and I can -." Zayn breaks off, voice disappearing into hoarseness.

Liam balls his fists, "What happens if I get better _ten_ years from now - _twenty_ years from now? I’ll think I'm still nineteen and _god._ What then?" and Liam can't help but feel resentful. Not of Zayn - but of the situation in general. Because it's just not fair, nothing in this fair - but Liam know he's stuck anyway. He just somehow wishes that Zayn wasn't stuck too.

"I’ll be there," Zayn says quietly.

Liam's voice is bitter, "Only because you think you have to."

Zayn pulls him back, gripping both his wrists, "Because I _want_ to." he reaches down to rethread his fingers with Liam's and Liam shudders because Zayn - Zayn is almost unreal. He's everything Liam didn't know he wanted - and now that he has him, he doesn't want to let go. (Liam also wonders whether he has a choice).  

He smiles at Zayn, who's eyes have tears in them, and Liam is just sick and tired of seeing him cry. But Liam thinks his eyes might be just as helpless, "I don't want to forget you."

Zayn chokes but Liam continues adamantly, "I - I like you, Zayn. I really do. And I want you to -" and Liam doesn't really know what he wants does he? He never, ever did.

Zayn kisses him hard and Liam feels his knees quiver as Zayn's tongue flits across his mouth. "That's the first time you've said something like that to me," he says, breath ragged. And there's something lighting, glinting behind his eyes.

Liam presses him closer, "I don't want to forget. I _won't_ forget."

And then Zayn looks small and sad again, reaching up to kiss him again without another word.

**..........................................................**

Liam first finds him on Valentines day, standing at the bridge across the small lake in the forestation behind his house, leaning against the edge and nearly tipping forward.

"Excuse me," Liam's voice is louder than he means it to be and he flinches at the fear in it. The boy turns sharply at his voice and Liam sees a sense of recognition in his eyes that he doesn't quite understand because he's sure that he's never seen the boy before (because with those eyes and cheekbones, he's sure he would have remembered him).

"Yeah," his voice is hoarse and Liam can see tear tracks on his tanned cheeks. He shifts uncomfortably.

And Liam shakes his head, suddenly shy, (and realizing that this might have been a bad time), "Nothing. I just - you were really close to the edge and -"

Something flares in his eyes and he smiles lightly, "No problem," he hesitates.

"I'm Zayn."

.

.

.

.

.

.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed :D Feedback would be welcome.


End file.
